ari_ormstunga (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ari_ormstunga) wrote2022-02-03 07:59 am
ari_ormstunga) wrote2022-02-03 07:59 am
No Recess
Won't you believe it's just my luck... No recess... You're in high school again...
Nirvana, No Recess
I liked Nirvana quite a bit in High School. Not as much as I liked Guns & Roses and Metallica, mind you, but I was a dirty, depressed, angry outcast, so I could relate to a lot of grunge music. I wasn't very surprised when Kurt killed himself; it seemed pretty obvious how his story was going to end.
Since the Rise of Trump and the Great Covid Hysteria of the New 20's, I am forcibly reminded of my High School years. I was a kid with (undiagnosed) autism and was some combination of hated, reviled, or ignored by the bulk of my classmates, and profoundly misunderstood by my teachers. I sometimes wonder what the staff at our hellish little institution thought of me, a silent and black clad kid, who typically either aced my classes or purposely passed them with a D because I had some level of contempt for the teacher.
When I write that I was silent, I am being quite literal. Most days I was effectively mute. I discovered early on that whatever I said would just be used to mock me and as weapons against me in some way, so I quit speaking entirely.
I never had a large social media presence, but a fair number of people from my class essentially "collected" me on Facebook when that became a thing years later, so I got to watch their lives from afar, which was fine by me. Although I harbored some resentment for awhile in the years right after school, I came to recognize that none of us were really putting our best feet forward at that time, and that I was as capable of being thoughtless and cruel as everyone else. I was only able to be cruel on a smaller scale, because I was too busy being the target of other's rancor. It's probably just as well.
I did have the dubious pleasure of watching all of the virtue signalling of the people in my class who managed to rise into the ranks of the middle class. It was interesting watching people who scorned and ridiculed me and other outcasts from their cliques morph into very loud, self proclaimed "good people".
I was more Trump-curious than a true believer, so I didn't have a lot to say about his rise, except that people were really carrying on about it a bit much. On the issue of Covid, however, I had quite a bit to say, and I will admit that I half enjoyed watching the Good People bare their teeth again at any of the deplorable outcasts who spoke out against the restrictions and the obvious lies and distortions used to justify them.
Now, I feel like I'm getting a second shot at High School, except this time I'm not a confused and scared kid. I'm still an outcast deplorable at heart, but I'm also a lot more. I've aged like wine, while my peers have turned to nasty, rank vinegar. And before I left social media, I discovered that there were a lot of other people just like me, people who didn't have voices who were able to organize and speak up.
That's when the censorship kicked in, so I checked out, but I still feel that inner outcast awake and alive inside me. So my resistance to the authoritarian garbage being pushed by the same types of conformist shits who made my life hell in school feels especially relevant. Watching our would-be rulers and elites run the country even further into the ground than it was already has been a real eye opener. It's all the same stuff on a different scale. We are ALL in High School again.
I kind of like the do-over. I feel like the person I always wished that I could be. I think 16 year old me would be proud of the man I am today. I finally found my voice.
Nirvana, No Recess
I liked Nirvana quite a bit in High School. Not as much as I liked Guns & Roses and Metallica, mind you, but I was a dirty, depressed, angry outcast, so I could relate to a lot of grunge music. I wasn't very surprised when Kurt killed himself; it seemed pretty obvious how his story was going to end.
Since the Rise of Trump and the Great Covid Hysteria of the New 20's, I am forcibly reminded of my High School years. I was a kid with (undiagnosed) autism and was some combination of hated, reviled, or ignored by the bulk of my classmates, and profoundly misunderstood by my teachers. I sometimes wonder what the staff at our hellish little institution thought of me, a silent and black clad kid, who typically either aced my classes or purposely passed them with a D because I had some level of contempt for the teacher.
When I write that I was silent, I am being quite literal. Most days I was effectively mute. I discovered early on that whatever I said would just be used to mock me and as weapons against me in some way, so I quit speaking entirely.
I never had a large social media presence, but a fair number of people from my class essentially "collected" me on Facebook when that became a thing years later, so I got to watch their lives from afar, which was fine by me. Although I harbored some resentment for awhile in the years right after school, I came to recognize that none of us were really putting our best feet forward at that time, and that I was as capable of being thoughtless and cruel as everyone else. I was only able to be cruel on a smaller scale, because I was too busy being the target of other's rancor. It's probably just as well.
I did have the dubious pleasure of watching all of the virtue signalling of the people in my class who managed to rise into the ranks of the middle class. It was interesting watching people who scorned and ridiculed me and other outcasts from their cliques morph into very loud, self proclaimed "good people".
I was more Trump-curious than a true believer, so I didn't have a lot to say about his rise, except that people were really carrying on about it a bit much. On the issue of Covid, however, I had quite a bit to say, and I will admit that I half enjoyed watching the Good People bare their teeth again at any of the deplorable outcasts who spoke out against the restrictions and the obvious lies and distortions used to justify them.
Now, I feel like I'm getting a second shot at High School, except this time I'm not a confused and scared kid. I'm still an outcast deplorable at heart, but I'm also a lot more. I've aged like wine, while my peers have turned to nasty, rank vinegar. And before I left social media, I discovered that there were a lot of other people just like me, people who didn't have voices who were able to organize and speak up.
That's when the censorship kicked in, so I checked out, but I still feel that inner outcast awake and alive inside me. So my resistance to the authoritarian garbage being pushed by the same types of conformist shits who made my life hell in school feels especially relevant. Watching our would-be rulers and elites run the country even further into the ground than it was already has been a real eye opener. It's all the same stuff on a different scale. We are ALL in High School again.
I kind of like the do-over. I feel like the person I always wished that I could be. I think 16 year old me would be proud of the man I am today. I finally found my voice.