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A charming phrase I heard recently is "on the struggle bus". It's a cutesy way of expressing the moments of weakness, sadness, or fear that we all sometimes experience. I have been on the struggle bus for the last week or so. Toot toot.
I hate feeling weak, vulnerable, or anything less than completely competent, secure, and in control. I suppose that is pretty common. I feel this way because events in my life have shoved me out of my comfort zone completely and into unfamiliar and frightening territory. Granted, this seems to be a common feeling for many people lately. The sensation of living in a country on the verge of collapse is uncomfortable indeed.
I've been trying hard to pick up useful survival skills and to fortify my home for emergency situations. It seems like there is so much to learn, so much that could go wrong, so many points of vulnerability in my systems and in myself. I should have been working on this for years... but I didn't know.
I am civilized. I am accustomed to the benefits of civilization. I have never lived in the lap of luxury, but I've never lived without things like a home, a car, electricity, or running water. I have all of these things now, but everything seems precarious. I've never felt so on edge, so useless and stupid.
A while back I felt something that I can only describe as the call of the Void. I felt like the veil between the worlds was very thin and that death was very close. I felt like I could choose it if I wanted. I could let go. I don't mean that I felt suicidal, just that if I let it death would take me. The idea of release from the stress and pain of living was attractive and strong.
Ultimately, I rejected the call, if that is what it was. I have responsibilities that necessitate my functional presence for as long as I can manage. I can't afford to be weak, no matter how useless, stupid, and afraid I feel. If death wants me, it will have to come and get me.
I hate feeling weak, vulnerable, or anything less than completely competent, secure, and in control. I suppose that is pretty common. I feel this way because events in my life have shoved me out of my comfort zone completely and into unfamiliar and frightening territory. Granted, this seems to be a common feeling for many people lately. The sensation of living in a country on the verge of collapse is uncomfortable indeed.
I've been trying hard to pick up useful survival skills and to fortify my home for emergency situations. It seems like there is so much to learn, so much that could go wrong, so many points of vulnerability in my systems and in myself. I should have been working on this for years... but I didn't know.
I am civilized. I am accustomed to the benefits of civilization. I have never lived in the lap of luxury, but I've never lived without things like a home, a car, electricity, or running water. I have all of these things now, but everything seems precarious. I've never felt so on edge, so useless and stupid.
A while back I felt something that I can only describe as the call of the Void. I felt like the veil between the worlds was very thin and that death was very close. I felt like I could choose it if I wanted. I could let go. I don't mean that I felt suicidal, just that if I let it death would take me. The idea of release from the stress and pain of living was attractive and strong.
Ultimately, I rejected the call, if that is what it was. I have responsibilities that necessitate my functional presence for as long as I can manage. I can't afford to be weak, no matter how useless, stupid, and afraid I feel. If death wants me, it will have to come and get me.