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A year has gone by since I posted my last self-assessment. I haven't been posting a lot; with the concerns of the pandemic receding a bit I've been able to catch my breath and do some in-depth studying. I've continued to write and work on a few projects that are probably too subjective and personal to garner interest if I tried to publish them. All the same, I've attempted to continue to build my skillset for the next stairstep down in the collapse of our society.
A short summary: it's not going that well.
Back in June I posted about my gardening efforts, which fell flat this year. I did grow abundant lettuce from seeds, but they were consumed by a groundhog who tunneled under my fencing. I learned a valuable lesson I guess, but it pretty well ruined my growing season. An entire section of my yard I partitioned off and tried to plant never came up. I have no idea why, so I don't even know what to try to correct next year. I have kept a few herbs in pots alive this year. I gave them names and I'm fond of them.
Gardening grade: F
I'm using my job to explore methods of leadership. I run a department with a number of subordinates. I decided to try to be the boss I always wanted. That pretty quickly led to some of my subordinates walking all over me, to the point that a number of them became actively toxic. I'm now trying to clean up the mess my indulgence and weakness created in my department. I've started to understand why so many managers are the way they are now. Did they all start off so bright eyed, bushy tailed and idealistic? I've managed before, but this is the first time I've had this level of responsibility.
I've also had a long term "stick it to the Man" complex, and now I'm the Man. I'm still wrapping my head around it. I also still have all of my built-in neurological issues, so the political maneuvering of the job is pretty draining. I prefer my books, and my spells, but I gotta make a living. I'm not sure anything I'm doing will assist in my survival, but I guess it can't hurt.
Leadership grade: C (there's lots of stuff I'm good at as a manager; I hit all my goals every day, but managing and leading are two different beasts).
Another goal I have is building community. Since my only real social life is work, I'm also using my job as a way to make connections and create interesting dialogues with people of disparate backgrounds. I work in a strange and unlikely tourist town with a pretty diverse set of people, so I've worked on building bridges with people from radically different backgrounds. I can usually find points of agreement with most people, enough to establish interesting dialogues, but there are of course a lot of taboo/ dangerous topics. I've been finding information and resources and making some potentially useful connections in my community through my efforts.
Building community grade: C. Since my efforts are all centered around my job, I have no idea if any of the connections I've made will endure when my employment inevitably ends.
Another goal I've been pursuing is learning Spanish. My grasp of the language has grown, and I can converse about simple topics. I can somewhat understand my Hispanic subordinates when they speak to each other in Spanish, which has proven useful from time to time. I'm still pursuing it casually, so my results have been proportionate to my effort.
Learning Spanish grade: C. If you dropped me off in Mexico, I'd be able to converse at a basic level, enough to navigate simple social situations at any rate.
I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't mention occultism. I've had more results there than any other area, probably because it's my primary focus. Things have gotten... weird. I've known that magic, for lack of a better term, works, because I've used it effectively. I've known other mages and had a few adventures here and there, but for most of my training I've been a solo practitioner. I've now run into more practitioners; in places I'd have thought to be pretty unlikely. At least one is significantly more advanced than I am and is pretty bad news. When I found out I was the subject of someone's spooky action at a distance and they were getting through my magical defenses, it threw me for a loop.
Now, I know a lot of occultists will say magic attacks and the like are rare, it's usually just paranoia and blah blah blah, but I'm here to tell you that shitty practitioners are a dime a dozen and for a lot of people, magical ethics are really not a concern. I'll also say that, when you hit a certain level of awareness and someone is coming at you magically, you will know it. I've been dealing with the magical equivalent of a sex pest... if a sex pest could invade your dreams, spy on you, and hurl psychic assaults your way when they feel slighted. It's been a pretty draining episode, and I've gotten more a of look than I'd like at the gross underside of occultism.
It's been instructive and I've been forced to improve my skills and awareness, so I'm taking it as just another part of the training. It's very important to remember that not everyone lives by the same magical code. It was a lesson I "knew" but now I really understand. Hoodoo has given me some useful operative tools that I was lacking in dealing with a few thorny situations I've run into this year, though I'm hardly a master of the art.
Scuddy Neopagan PSA aside, I've continued daily practice and have begun studying the works of Giordano Bruno and other Renaissance mages. It's all been very instructive. I'm also practicing some energy healing techniques with uncertain results.
Occultism grade: B.
Overall, I dunno. I'm consciously trying some new things and strategies, but I don't know how much of a difference any of it is making. Hopefully I don't run into any catastrophes any time soon, because mostly what all of this has taught me is how woefully unprepared I am for one.
A short summary: it's not going that well.
Back in June I posted about my gardening efforts, which fell flat this year. I did grow abundant lettuce from seeds, but they were consumed by a groundhog who tunneled under my fencing. I learned a valuable lesson I guess, but it pretty well ruined my growing season. An entire section of my yard I partitioned off and tried to plant never came up. I have no idea why, so I don't even know what to try to correct next year. I have kept a few herbs in pots alive this year. I gave them names and I'm fond of them.
Gardening grade: F
I'm using my job to explore methods of leadership. I run a department with a number of subordinates. I decided to try to be the boss I always wanted. That pretty quickly led to some of my subordinates walking all over me, to the point that a number of them became actively toxic. I'm now trying to clean up the mess my indulgence and weakness created in my department. I've started to understand why so many managers are the way they are now. Did they all start off so bright eyed, bushy tailed and idealistic? I've managed before, but this is the first time I've had this level of responsibility.
I've also had a long term "stick it to the Man" complex, and now I'm the Man. I'm still wrapping my head around it. I also still have all of my built-in neurological issues, so the political maneuvering of the job is pretty draining. I prefer my books, and my spells, but I gotta make a living. I'm not sure anything I'm doing will assist in my survival, but I guess it can't hurt.
Leadership grade: C (there's lots of stuff I'm good at as a manager; I hit all my goals every day, but managing and leading are two different beasts).
Another goal I have is building community. Since my only real social life is work, I'm also using my job as a way to make connections and create interesting dialogues with people of disparate backgrounds. I work in a strange and unlikely tourist town with a pretty diverse set of people, so I've worked on building bridges with people from radically different backgrounds. I can usually find points of agreement with most people, enough to establish interesting dialogues, but there are of course a lot of taboo/ dangerous topics. I've been finding information and resources and making some potentially useful connections in my community through my efforts.
Building community grade: C. Since my efforts are all centered around my job, I have no idea if any of the connections I've made will endure when my employment inevitably ends.
Another goal I've been pursuing is learning Spanish. My grasp of the language has grown, and I can converse about simple topics. I can somewhat understand my Hispanic subordinates when they speak to each other in Spanish, which has proven useful from time to time. I'm still pursuing it casually, so my results have been proportionate to my effort.
Learning Spanish grade: C. If you dropped me off in Mexico, I'd be able to converse at a basic level, enough to navigate simple social situations at any rate.
I suppose I'd be remiss if I didn't mention occultism. I've had more results there than any other area, probably because it's my primary focus. Things have gotten... weird. I've known that magic, for lack of a better term, works, because I've used it effectively. I've known other mages and had a few adventures here and there, but for most of my training I've been a solo practitioner. I've now run into more practitioners; in places I'd have thought to be pretty unlikely. At least one is significantly more advanced than I am and is pretty bad news. When I found out I was the subject of someone's spooky action at a distance and they were getting through my magical defenses, it threw me for a loop.
Now, I know a lot of occultists will say magic attacks and the like are rare, it's usually just paranoia and blah blah blah, but I'm here to tell you that shitty practitioners are a dime a dozen and for a lot of people, magical ethics are really not a concern. I'll also say that, when you hit a certain level of awareness and someone is coming at you magically, you will know it. I've been dealing with the magical equivalent of a sex pest... if a sex pest could invade your dreams, spy on you, and hurl psychic assaults your way when they feel slighted. It's been a pretty draining episode, and I've gotten more a of look than I'd like at the gross underside of occultism.
It's been instructive and I've been forced to improve my skills and awareness, so I'm taking it as just another part of the training. It's very important to remember that not everyone lives by the same magical code. It was a lesson I "knew" but now I really understand. Hoodoo has given me some useful operative tools that I was lacking in dealing with a few thorny situations I've run into this year, though I'm hardly a master of the art.
Scuddy Neopagan PSA aside, I've continued daily practice and have begun studying the works of Giordano Bruno and other Renaissance mages. It's all been very instructive. I'm also practicing some energy healing techniques with uncertain results.
Occultism grade: B.
Overall, I dunno. I'm consciously trying some new things and strategies, but I don't know how much of a difference any of it is making. Hopefully I don't run into any catastrophes any time soon, because mostly what all of this has taught me is how woefully unprepared I am for one.